I’ve come to a hard truth: my bathing suit may no longer be age-appropriate—or even legally acceptable in some states. But it still fits! At 63, I need swimwear that gives “distinguished gentleman” vibes, not “midlife crisis lifeguard.” My current trunks are older than my 11-year-old dog, Onyx. The waistband waved the white flag sometime around Labor Day 2022, and the mesh lining now offers the support of a wet paper napkin. Still fits, though!
This summer, I finally admitted it—it’s time for a new suit. Choosing a bathing suit at my age feels like walking a fine line between confidence and delusion. I briefly considered a Speedo, then remembered I haven’t done that since I was 12 and on the Golden Isles Swim Team. Board shorts? Too long.
In the end, I chose something modest—mid-thigh, functional drawstring, and a pattern that says, “I grill ribs low and slow and know a thing or two about compound interest.” It might not impress anyone, but at least it won’t clear the beach.
Meanwhile, women treat swimwear like a strategic mission: one for tanning, one for swimming, one in case her ex from high school shows up. Men? We cling to our decade-old trunks, held together by frayed drawstrings and blind optimism. Why? Because “It still fits!”
